I wish they made helmets for livers.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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