It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
