I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
