I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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