Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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