Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
