and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Welp...herpes.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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