I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
