i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
