Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
