Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
