the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
