Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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