Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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