I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
