im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
