bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
