We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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