It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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