Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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