i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
