I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
