can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
