If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
