I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
