you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
