I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
