fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
