i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So much rum. So many feels.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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