I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
