My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
