I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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