I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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