Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
