i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
