How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
