oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
