i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
