the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
