She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
