Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
