guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
