I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You smell like stripper and shame
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We left the knife in your bed.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
