Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
