Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
