In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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