Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
