apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I checked into jail on foursquare
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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