I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
