also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
