I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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