My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
