Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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