i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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