My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
