Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I think I just sharted jello shots
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
