he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
